L is for Loser

                     I was supposed to be working on my blog's new layout using these crazy, complex frames but being the slothful piece of 'tard that I was, I didn't. I did however manage to refine my old photos, including the one shown ^here. It's amazing how eventful the past months have been and looking at all these [pictures], I can't help but smile. Recently, I was browsing through a high school friend's picture album online and I've seen some with our HS classmates visiting our old classroom. I swear I had to bit back my lip just to keep myself from tearing up. I remember being so afraid of growing up and getting into college way back in my junior year. Everyone was like, "Oh, I'm going to this school and I'm taking up this course" and I would slowly excuse myself out of there. I was never one for the whole college and maturity issues. I'm not saying my future was undecided at the time or that I was absurdly immature. I guess when you have dreams of your own and your father sort of steps all over each and every single one of them that's kind of how you feel.. which is vague, really. I am in my junior year in college now and to this point, I still get up every single morning and, quite honestly, don't know what I'm doing all of these for. It's a physical, mental, and emotional struggle every time to just get it together and do what it is that I do.

                  Passion runs in my gene. In my mother's line, I am proud to say we have it in the skills. We love the arts. My Tito in Japan is in interior designing, my cuzzin who's a dentist is great with making models, my ahia is amazing with electronics and computers, I have fab-dancing cuzzins, and a majority of us can draw very well. I suppose with my father's side, it's all about academics. See, my point is that if a person is passionate about what it is he/she is doing then he/she is most likely to succeed. That's not news to you. In my case, my fields of interest are vast and varied but unfortunately, nursing isn't one of them. I know I'm not the only one forced to this. In fact, this is flat out mediocre in this country. Still, I can't help feeling this way. I am constantly in an emotional low and having very low self-esteem isn't much help either. It's sad, really. My friends have asked me questions like: "If you had a choice, what would you have wanted?" It's not a genius-level question but this is exactly the kind of question I'll fall short of answers with. 'What is it that I really want?' To be honest, I don't know. I'm into drawing, and I suppose it's not too shabby when I get a few compliments every now and then. But I'm no Leonardo. I'm into web designing but to this day I still haven't mastered all there is to it. I love fashion, make up, and DIY projects but these call for bucks these days and I'd rather see my funds spent on other, more important things. I used to play computer games a lot, but not having any iNet connection at home like we used to is kind of a bum. I compose songs and I'm pretty sure they not half-assed but I'm no Avril and thing is, you have to sing your own songs for them to get noticed. I started writing stories (series) in the middle of the third grade. Thanks to my friends' incessant encouragement and heart-warming feedback, the writing continued further into my high school years. To note, a few HS batch mates even said it was I who inspired them to write as well. I only stopped scribbling down teen dramas in my senior year, as it was my busiest, what with the graduation and running the school paper as EIC and all. Unfortunately, the writing never moved on from there. I used to play the guitar and keyboard but seeing as my guitar's broken and I really dun have an organ instrument here in Cebu, I can't play anymore — as if I was ever good at them anyway. I'm also into verbal communications.. you know, talking in front of crowds-whatever? Since as far back as I could remember, I'd shut myself in an empty room, grab a 'pretend' mic and do 'interviews' and 'hosting' and all. I even came up wit' a 'broadcasting station' aptly titled TeenTV complete wit' shows like Girlfriends, Makeover Machine, BreakUp Girl, Gem's Haven, Par-tay!, Kids Point TV, etc.. I swear I've had it going since way back when (6th grade??). It's helped me a lot, especially when we have to 'brainstorm' ideas for plays and stuff. One time we had to do a commercial and we weren't given much time to prep up so I used one of my all time favorite made-up skit about the Borger's Burgers' Really Cool Awesome Fantastic 15-minute Microwave Burgers (I changed names, BTW). Ha! Brainstorming, my *behind*! The bad part: the lack of self-confidence and self-esteem kinds of gets in the way and blows everything. I like foreign languages especially French, Japanese, Spanish, and Chinese (Mandarin). Two years ago, I enrolled at a free French Lessons site on the web. On a sad note, the time it takes to learn these languages is a luxury I cannot afford. I love watching cooking shows on TV. I'm 19 now and the only cooking I ever do is the one you do for instant noodles, instant pancit canton, reheating, and rice (rice cooker). Hey, I'm not exactly proud of it! I looove monkey and deviruchi merchandise BTW. Wala lang, insert. Heeh!

Ahh.. the list goes on but I take it you catch my drift, neh? Ehmahgawd, I am such a loser!